It’s been a while since I’ve written and published something online. But that may not be entirely true, if you count my foray into planning and posting various types of videos — with their accompanying just-witty-enough titles, captions, on-screen text, and hashtags — on social media. Evidence: my YouTube channel. I don’t aim to become an “influencer.” It’s about challenging myself to be more expressive and less afraid to be more seen. Creating work I’m proud of, that I can point to, that’s very me, and connecting with others who choose to share theirs. I kind of … don’t feel like being scared to take up space again.

Three months ago, this would have been unfathomable. I was hurting in the worst throes of a break-up, extra unwelcome being in my early 30s.

I moved out of a place that I’d helped to secure and start making into a home.

Some days I felt like I was floating out of my body even as I focused on putting one foot in front of the other.

I tried not to be a “downer” but fell into comparing my life with others’ highlight reels online and wondered, “Why not me?”

However, faster than I’d anticipated, I felt myself beginning to change. I am heavily summarizing but thanks to many conversations with a few trusted friends — sometimes rehashing the same things, bless their patience — family time, therapy, journaling, and just straight-up confronting myself, I’ve been able to heal, to detach, to move the f on. Even to grow a bit — wild, gratifying.

Some days, I can smile at a memory or two, and then laugh at how much more I had to learn! Other days, I want to strangle a pillow and turn back time.

These blips and flashes enter my mind less and less now though, meaning there’s been room for my creative voice to come back. My creativity does not define my worth, but it is something I want in my life so suffice it to say… I’m so relieved. I have been hesitant to admit this because I worry I’ll jinx it. Even writing this post took about three times longer than I’d planned.

But I did it.

If you’ve read to this point, let me leave you with this:

It is okay to rest. It is okay if your voice, your spark, your spirit is subdued right now, for whatever reason. But trust that it can come back. Be open to it returning in ways you may not have expected.

I needed this reminder myself, even if it reaches no one else.

I’m looking forward to seeing what I can do with my voice.