Last month, I had the privilege of checking off another bucket list item: seeing Patagonia. My mom and I saw the side of it in Argentina, which was also the first South American country for both of us, so this trip was a bit of a two-for-one deal. We later enjoyed some city and culture time in Buenos Aires, where Rosalía has declared the sky was born. I crammed some of the highlights into this YouTube short. Pretty sweet!
Not so sweet: me crashing out shortly before the trip after a friend told me she’s pregnant, many months along.
I blame part of my mini depressive episode on premenstrual symptoms, but really, I admit that the news just triggered feelings of being behind in life. She’s about my same age, married, settled, all that. I was even laid off from Google the same month she got hired. The universe has got an insane sense of humor sometimes…
I own that I’m a hypocrite. I like and share those aesthetic, motivational quote posts on Instagram about how life is not a race, there is no such thing as “behind,” you’re on your own path, etc etc. But what can I say? When friends left and right are starting to nest, it’s impossible to not panic at all.
Adding to my feeling like I’m losing my grip on time was the discovery of a prominent new wrinkle under my left eye. It was bound to happen at some point as I’m well out of my 20s, but nevertheless I was deeply miffed that it had to be now. Especially because I’ve generally always had puffiness under my eyes, so to see the opposite happen — a concave-ing — was super jarring. Since then I’ve tried to see the new groove in my face as evidence of living, a souvenir from life. But look, I am going to try to prevent its premature deepening. Because heavens willing, I have many more years later on to let it do its thing.
The thing about adulting though is that there seems to be no space to grieve. With my Argentina trip only a few days away, one I felt very grateful to have on my calendar, I focused on completing my packing list. And as the planner and tour guide for this trip, I had to have my “A game” on to guide my mom and me through each step of our itinerary. (Thank you to strangers on YouTube, Reddit, and so many blogs, who all contributed to my research.)
And this redirection of my attention proved to be just what I needed to re-center myself. I still grieved about time slipping away, but only in short pauses and gaps… after I’d succeeded in getting us fast-tracked at the airport because our flight was leaving in an hour, after we’d gotten in the right Cabify car (an Uber competitor in Buenos Aires), after we arrived at the right booth to check in for our penguin island tour. Scroll down if you want to skip to the penguin photos — I won’t be offended!
Travel should not be about feeling accomplished, but chalk it up to my “only daughter syndrome” — after checking off each day’s scheduled sights, I was on top of the world. Or at the “end of the world,” which is what the town of Ushuaia markets itself as, being the port city for cruises to Antarctica. That’s where our trip began, although I opted us out of an Antarctica cruise this time. I’m pretty chicken at the end of the day, especially when it comes to the ocean.
But I am brave in other ways. The first time I said something in Spanish, I swear I held my breath as I waited to see if the other person would understand. And when they did? Damn. Obligatory “muchas gracias” to every Spanish teacher I had in my Texas public schools! There is something magical about producing words and having someone else understand what you mean. I think that’s also why I’ve been sharing my writing online for over a decade. I’m courageous or stupid (or both) enough to believe that someone else might find value in what I have to say.
Besides some instances of feeling overcharged for taxis and some surly park staff, we had a pretty magical time in Ushuaia, Buenos Aires, and Iguazú. It’s incredible that after seeing snowcapped mountains to frothing waterfalls to vibrant Buenos Aires, there is still so much more of Argentina we’ve yet to see. I’m lucky to say that this visit gave me the confidence to want to return. Someday!
Among our many great new memories though, a minor one sticks out as something that felt meant for me, a chronic worrier / overthinker / anxious person.
At each viewing platform in Iguazú National Park, there are a few choice spots against the rails for taking your photo with the beautiful waterfalls in the background. While waiting our turn for a spot, I was drinking in the scenery — something I’ve been consciously trying to do more of in my life — when the t-shirt of a woman in a tour group near us caught my eye. I didn’t ask to take a picture of it because in the moment I felt a bit too introverted and tired, so you’ll just have to believe me. Her shirt design read, “I’m so excited for all the good things to come” — spaced out in a slightly whimsical font and with the keywords in varying sizes. Think motivational poster or cute decorative sign in a kitchen (here’s an example on Etsy).
Although at my core I’m a pretty sentimental person — classic Cancer or something — I tend to rely on logic for self-preservation when I’m not in my private space. But I let myself take this sighting as a good omen and even couldn’t help chanting the words to myself for the rest of our trip. I leaned into the serendipity of it all, the fact that had she was there and in my line of sight. Never mind that everyone else could see her shirt too. I let myself get “woo-woo,” as some would say.
I let myself believe that things will work out in my favor, even if it may not be what I’d pictured in the past, even if it may not look like what everyone else has, even if it means the road is a little (or a lot) lonely. I can’t eliminate the sense of despondency that hits once in a while, so I had to give myself something to hold on to for when it comes.
Gracias, Argentina, for letting me see you and leave standing a little taller.
FYI, none of the below are affiliate links.
What I’m reading: Crying in H Mart, a frank and beautiful memoir by Michelle Zauner.
What I’m listening to: “Without You” by Oh Wonder. I’m seeing them in concert soon as part of their album’s 10th anniversary tour, and I am going to be in shambles!
What I’m trying: cocokind Advanced Retinol Gel 0.5% for that undereye wrinkle and my face in general. Seems like it really does help smooth things out a bit.
Your thoughts?